


Detective Who

by Fae_Fiction



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Doctor Who
Genre: Aliens, Alright... who gave Dirk a sonic?, Am I original? Most certainly not, Canon-Typical Violence, Companion!Todd, Doctor Who AU, Gen, Time Lord!Dirk, gets a bit gore-y
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fae_Fiction/pseuds/Fae_Fiction
Summary: "Hello! I'm The Detective. In other words, RUN!"Well, the man was clearly crazy."From you or-" the man grabbed Todd's hand."Just run!"An AU where Dirk is a Time Lord and Todd is his companion.
Relationships: Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently
Comments: 11
Kudos: 8





	1. This Is My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hello there. Did I make a hasty decision to post this knowing full well it might be a while before I get back to it? Why yes, yes I did. Do I know I have many other WIPs that are more pressing to get to? Again, yes. And last but certainly not least, did I make the completely irrational decision to turn this into a series even after this installment of the fic is done? Of course I did. 
> 
> That being said, enjoy this piece of utter crack.

Todd Brotzman was a perfectly normal guy. And this time I mean normal in the traditional sense of the word. That’s a first.

But yes, Todd was… quite boring actually. Your average 33-year-old ex-punk band lead/ridiculously pathetic bellhop/lying asshole. 

He was having the worst day of his life currently. It started the same way we know that the day he met Dirk went. Well… it _started_ the same way. This time around it was _very_ different. But we’ll get back to that later.

“GOOD MORNING, BUTTERCUP!”

Todd awoke to a loud car alarm and then the crashing of breaking glass and the angry clanging of metal. 

He shot up immediately. 

“Where!” _Thud!_ “Is,” _Bang!_ “My,” _Crash!_ “MONEY?!” _Clang!_

Todd ran to the window and sighed heavily before running down the stairs of his apartment. A million thoughts running through his head. The number one being, _You know what? This is my life now. I deserve this._

“DORIAN!” He screamed as he ran out of The Ridgley. Sprinting in full panicked force to his car that his landlord was destroying with a single hammer. “DORIAN STOP! Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop!”

Dorian smashed the side mirror in and it fell to the ground with a depressing clang. 

“Where’s my money?!” He pushed the hammer in Todd’s face with each word.

“I gave you your money, Dorian,” Todd desperately explained.

“Where’s the goddamn rent?!” He screamed in Todd’s face.

“I paid you the rent, I paid you yesterday!” He held his arms to his side defensively. 

“Don’t tell me what you did or didn’t do!” He shook the hammer in Todd’s face even closer now.

Todd held his arms all the way up in surrender, eyes fixated on the hammer in fear as he let out a small “ah!”

“You don’t know what happened yesterday, you’re not a historian!”

“I’m just- okay-” he mumbled.

“ARE YOU A HISTORIAN?!” He shook the hammer in his face with each word again.

“No-”

“No!” He dropped his arm to the side, Todd still watching the hammer. “Then are you a time traveler?”

“No-”

“NO! I want my money today! Six-hundred bucks, or I swear to God-” His hammer raised again, Todd backed up, still keeping focused on it. “I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU FUCK WITH ME AGAIN!”

Dorian backed up and threw the hammer’s claws into the front tire with a loud grunt as it popped. 

The air hissed and squealed as it left the sad deflating tire. A perfect metaphor for Todd’s life thus far. Even more so this day. 

“Damn it,” Todd winced.

“Yeah, what you gonna do?” Dorian lowered his voice which was somehow more frightening than it was at full force as he walked back up to Todd. “You gonna call the cops? Go ahead. No you won’t, no you won’t. You know why? ‘Cause I got you.” The hammer in Todd’s face once again and his eyes once more drifted to it’s threatening presence. “I got you.” He twisted the hammer in different angles with each word, something he seemed fond of doing.

Dorian backed up and beat the car once more. Todd’s breath shook through his nose as he lowered his hands.

“MONEY!” Dorian yelled as he walked off. “I want my money! Today! My six-hundred bucks!”

Todd walked back up to his apartment. Still in shock, unable to come down from that adrenaline high that had made it impossible to think.

He shook the doorknob. Locked. 

_This is my life._

All the way back down. Again. 

He climbed up the fire escape ladder and stumbled in through his apartment window. 

_This is my life._

He got dressed for his stupid dead-end job as a bellhop and looked at his phone. 6 missed calls from Amanda. Guilt struck his heart. 

He sat on the bus, clutching his cap to his stomach feeling sorry for himself.

_This is my life._

And he wasn’t sure why but he felt the need to glance out the window. A weird silver stick looking thing sat on the sidewalk, and just before the bus drove past it a hand came into view from his blind spot and grabbed it. The only thing other than the hand he saw was a small flash of a yellow sleeve. _Odd._

He sat behind the desk, the events of this morning playing through his head before he saw his boss walking by. 

He got up from the desk and began walking with him. “Mr. Palacios, hey-” 

“Todd, perfect. I need you to get up to 745.” 

“Yes. I will, I just-”

Mr. Palacios approached an old woman dressed very refined with many bags. He spread out his arms dramatically with a warm smile.

“Welcome to the Perriman Grand! Allow us to help you with that.”

He snapped at another bellhop that thankfully wasn’t Todd. He needed to talk to Mr. Palacios desperately and he didn’t want to be set back. They turned around and began approaching the elevators.

“I-I was wondering if I could get my check a little early this month-”

“What? Why? Are you ok?” He said, putting his hand on Todd’s back as an awkward reassurance. _Stupid rich assholes and their half-baked sympathy,_ Todd thought to himself.

“Yeah,” He shrugged. “It’s just-”

“Yeah, look, Todd, I need you to get up to 745 right away.” They were now standing by the elevators. “There’s some kind of a drunk woman up there acting crazy.” He said, waving his arms about before remembering something else important. “And do me a favor. Check out the penthouse. They’ve had a do-not-disturb sign up since 5 this morning. No one has come out and the conference should be over.”

_See? I told you it was different._

“You still have your master key?” He looked at Todd like a good-for-nothing-piece-of-shit.

Mr. Palacios pressed the down button.

“No- I… I misplaced it.”

“Take mine,” He said, unimpressed. “745, then penthouse.”

The elevator opened.

“Then we can talk about the check?”

“Later, yes.” Mr. Palacios said as he walked off. Snapping at Todd to get to it.

“Ok.” He backed off into the open elevator, pressing his lips together in a face that said it all.

_This is my life._

Todd was about to knock on the door at 745 when he heard a man’s voice from inside, it sounded angry.

“Yeah?! Well, I’m here on business. I shouldn’t even be here with you right now, I missed the conference! So you better be happy I had one last round with you before I _dumped your ass_ -”

The man with a hastily buttoned shirt opened the door and saw Todd’s raised fist and assumed the worst as he jumped back.

“No, I- I was just-”

“Just- Get out of the way!” He snarled.

The man stormed off, making sure to push Todd with his shoulder. From inside the room, a sob was heard as a black heel was thrown against the wall. 

Todd cautiously entered the room, peering around the corner of the door’s entrance before quickly averting his eyes. 

A rather disheveled woman sat on the bed. Her blonde hair was ratted, her makeup was smeared, she was wearing only lingerie poorly covered by a white bathrobe. 

“Oh! I’m sorry,” she said with fear in her eyes. She covered herself better and Todd looked back at her. They stared silently at each other before disappointment and realization washed over her face. “Oh… do I have to leave?” She breathed heavily, “Or, or can I just sit here, for a second?”

Todd nodded sheepishly. That man was an asshole if he ever saw one. He actually wished he punched him as he walked through that door and he didn’t even know this woman. 

“Take your time.”

She smiled at Todd’s kindness.

“Can you just… hang out with me… for a second?”

Todd huffed as he nodded, clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation but this woman clearly didn’t want to be alone right now. The least he could do was be kind.

She shuffled over and patted a spot on the foot of the bed next to her as Todd wandered over to her. He sat down and stared at the wall. She smiled, palms upwards in her lap, also staring at the wall before she leaned her head against Todd’s shoulder.

“I hate men.”

The woman showed him out the door, “I’ll be out of here in an hour.”

Todd walked out the door. “If you need anything, my name is-”

And the door was in his face.

_This is my life._

“-Todd.”

He trudged over to the elevators. 

He stared at the doors. He called his sister back finally, explained he would figure out a way to get the money. Then the elevator stopped. Then the doors opened. 

He saw someone yelling at someone just behind the corner of the wall. That yelling sounded a lot like him... 

“-TARDIS! You lied to me! You lied to me the whole time and now you’ve screwed both of us.”

The person from behind the wall tried to speak. 

“NO! Silence No! No, you shut up! Don’t you say a word. I don’t want to hear- holy shit this is when it happened. That means-”

The person turned around and it was… somehow… indeed… very much-ly… Todd.

But this Todd was battered, bruised, and bloody. 

He stared back at _himself_ in disbelief and shock. 

“Come on!” Other Todd yelled as he grabbed whoever was behind the wall and ran off.

Still in shock, the doors closed. 

“Todd?” Came Mr. Palacios’ voice from his pocket. He jumped. “Where the hell are you, Todd?”

He pulled out his walkie-talkie and stuttered, “I-I don’t know.”

“Have you checked out the penthouse?”

His hands trembled.

“I mean, I’m… I’m on my way. I am... on my way.” 

He put it away and made his way up to the penthouse.

And when the doors opened, he was treated with an ominous chill as the lights above flickered. Slowly, he made his way to the set of double doors at the end of the hall. The only sounds were his footsteps muffled on the carpet, a faint zapping noise from the failing lights, and his quickened breathing accompanied by the loud pounding of his heartbeat that extended from his toes, to his fingers, to his ears, all so ever-present in his chest. 

And something caught his eye. He tilted his head as he bent down and picked up a small piece of paper in a leather wallet meant only to hold this one piece of paper. Nothing important, just… a blank piece of paper. But through the plastic cover over the paper, red seeped in and tinged the corner. What looked to be blood. That’s when he looked over and saw the pool of red slowly expanding from underneath the door. Without thinking he shoved the paper into his pocket.

Shaking, he extended his hand to push open the door that stood ajar. His eyes widened at the scene before him. 

Blood. Everywhere. Handprints trying to escape, shoe prints trying to run, spatters trying to be creative as possible, the splatters seemed to have a mind of their own, that mind seemed to want to be a Rorschach.

Bodies lay strewn about, torn to shreds, and it was nearly impossible from the men’s identical business suits to tell who’s arm belonged to who’s torso belonged to who’s legs- and _oh my god,_ who’s head was that?!

The window was shattered to pieces, a pile of flowers and a destroyed vase lay on the floor. A grand piano was smashed in by a body thrown against it and red-painted the ivory keys. 

Claw marks covered every possible surface, the wall, the floor, the furniture, hell, even the ceiling.

One man seemed particularly important to this person, or creature- or _whatever_ did this, as he was… well he was just shreds of fabric, skin tissue, and a pool of blood that was topped with his own head like a cherry on a sundae. It was a head with a face that Todd could have sworn he had seen somewhere before. 

Todd fumbled for his walkie, only to drop it from his quivering hands.

"Todd?" Came Mr. Palacios' voice once again. 

He quickly picked it up. "Mr. Palacios?" his voice shook. "I think we should call the police."

And as if today couldn't get any worse, when the police arrived they told him he was a person of interest and gave him an order not to leave town. And directly after, he was fired.

He felt... odd. Perfectly natural feeling for someone who has just stumbled upon a murder scene. But this felt different. He felt as if _he_ were in danger. 

In the basement of the hotel, the lights began to flicker. Just like they had before he came across the scene. And then he heard footsteps approaching. Pounding on the concrete, echoing in the distance. They grew louder and louder, faster and faster. Todd turned around. 

And running quite awkwardly was a man. A man with burgundy jeans, a navy blue tie decorated with tiny ice cream cones, and most noticeably, most strangely, a bright yellow leather jacket. 

Slack-jawed and bewildered, Todd raised a hand, waved, and began towards the man. 

"Hey, you can't be down here. Who are you?

And the man began to shout as he came closer. 

"Hello! I'm The Detective. In other words, _RUN!_ "

Well, the man was clearly crazy.

"From you or-" the man grabbed Todd's hand. 

"Just run!"

And that's when what the man was running from came into view. Another man. The man's mouth opened too wide to be humanly possible to reveal a massive tongue and huge set of sharp teeth. And gigantic claws unsheathed from his fingernails. He gave a screech of a roar that would be enough to terrify the living shit out of anyone. So what did Todd do? _He ran._

"What the hell is that?!" he turned to the man who ran with him.

"Couldn't get a good read," he explained as if the answer were obvious.

"Read?!"

The man reached into a pocket inside of his jacket and pulled out a silver stick. 

"What is that?!"

"You with the questions! I'm trying to save our lives here!" And he just realized the accent, _Oh great, you're British._

They got to the elevator, he let go of Todd’s hand only to shield him with his body as he stared back at the monster who had now morphed into a less human-like state. Todd breathed heavily in a panic over the man’s shoulder as the man furiously pressed the elevator button over and over again until it finally opened and the man shoved Todd inside and pounded on the 'close door' button as fast as he could, closing it just in time. 

The man turned back to Todd who had pushed himself into a corner and was hyperventilating with wide eyes. 

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.”

Todd stared at him blankly and jumped when presumably the creature pounded on the elevator doors. 

The man pushed a button to send them to the ground floor. 

"Who- who are you?" he eased up a bit. 

"Like I said. I'm The Detective."

"The Detective? Detective Who? Are you a cop? Because I've had enough of the police for today, for a lifetime."

"No," he laughed simply. "I don't like police either. I just _call_ myself a detective because I solve mysteries."

"Great. A crazy man. I'm stuck in an elevator with a crazy man."

The elevator dinged and opened to the hotel lobby. 

"Not stuck, here you go. I don't think you'll have to see me again so... good day."

Todd squinted as he exited the elevator and walked out the door. "Ok then..."

The man waved cheerfully as the elevator closed and began to go up as indicated above. 

Now, this... this was the weirdest day of his life. 

  
  


The bus ride home was a calm one... if you can call sitting in self-hatred and confusion of the day's events calm. 

He entered his apartment and turned on the lights. And when he turned around, he yelped. 

The man- The Detective was climbing in through his window.

Todd grabbed a shoe from the pile that sat by his door and threw it at him.

"Ah!" said The Detective as he shielded himself from the impending impact of the shoe, only to lose his balance and fall to the floor of Todd's apartment. 

Todd ran up to him and tried to punch him but was blocked by The Detective's arm. They tussled for a few moments until Todd finally managed to slap him across the face. 

"Ow!" The Detective said, clasping an offended hand to his cheek. "Now you're gonna get the YA!" he made a horrible martial arts stance attempting to Karate chop the air as a threat. "HI-YA!"

Todd lunged towards him and he somehow dodged jumping over the counters in the kitchen. 

He landed with a grunt before Todd ran in to see him getting up. Todd pushed him into the microwave and continued the tussle as The Detective tried to escape. 

"Ah! STOP IT!" came between movements. "Hey! _Jesus_ \- With the- PUSH," he finally managed to push Todd away. "What the _hell,_ man?!" there was a chuckle behind his voice. 

" _You_ 'what the hell!'" Todd yelled, "No, _me_ 'what the hell! How did you get in here?"

"Through the window, _obviously,_ " he replied. 

"You can't just break into my apartment!"

"Well, clearly I can. I just did." 

The Detective approached him and pulled out the silver stick from earlier. He pressed a button on it and it glowed golden and buzzed. He waved the buzzing silver stick around in front of Todd. Todd couldn’t help feel like maybe he should be offended at this action so he slapped the stick to the ground.

"My sonic!" he picked it up and resumed buzzing Todd. 

"What are you doing?!" he stepped away. 

"There it is!" he reached into Todd's pocket and pulled out the paper from the scene. 

"What the-" 

"You ruined it!" he pouted at the bloodstain. "Do you know how hard this stuff is to get?"

"Umm... just go to the store and pick up some paper?"

"Do you always steal people's psychic paper? Seems rude to me."

"Psychic... Who _are_ you? Really?"

The Detective rolled his eyes. "Like I said. I'm The Detective. You can call me Dirk if you want. Dirk Gently."

"Dirk Gently... ok then.” _Almost stranger than ‘The Detective’._ “But seriously. Who _are_ you? What _is_ this?”

“Have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness in your life as of late?”

Todd stuttered and thought to himself, _Well, that’s one way to put it._

“Perhaps every day before now has been for the most part humdrum and inane,” Dirk continued. “Your life a mundane unvarying slog through unfulfilling jobs, shallow depression, and boring, _boring_ sex?”

_Do I look- that was unnecessary._

“ _That’s_ humanity. _That’s_ what this is. Your life is just a blip in the fabric of reality whilst I whirl about with the most interesting, and strange, and _frightening_ scenarios that are beyond your comprehension.” 

He leaned in closer to Todd.

“The universe is far more expansive and lively than you know. And I can see it. I can feel it in my veins. It buzzes through me and I can’t avoid it and it is so much more than you will ever know. You know why? Because all you do is just blunder about,” he said, waving his hands. “You blunder about aimlessly completely oblivious to the truth. There’s a war. There always has been and there always will be. And you and your perfectly beautiful and innocent brains are completely unaware of it. But you most certainly are not impervious to it. You want to know who I am? That’s who I am.”

“That’s what that was?”

“Yes.”

“What’s at war?”

“Aliens,” he said matter-a-fact-ly. 

“Aliens?” Todd raised his brows and turned around on his heels only to turn back to Dirk. “Right, aliens. And you’re crazy.”

He shrugged. “Mad man, blue box, heard it all before.”

“You really think I’m gonna believe alien? Like some drunk conspiracy hillbilly? Is that what you think of me?”

Dirk gestured to his own face. “Stubble, American, yeah I’d say that’s about right.”

“And he’s rude, too. Crazy and rude.”

“And ginger,” he pointed out.

“Ginger?!” Todd laughed. 

“Regeneration’s a gamble. I’m liking this new body, new face. Always wanted to be ginger. Bit of a rarity for a Time Lord to be ginger. Well, not fully ginger. But I’m getting closer!”

“New body? Time Lord?”

“Oh fuck, I’ve said too much. I seem to like to ramble too now.”

Todd seemed to have a new face too. A permanent expression of, ‘what the fuck?’

“Listen... what’s your name?”

“Todd.”

“Lovely meeting you. Listen, Todd. I really must be going. I’ve got what I came for, I’ve got my paper,” he waved it about and then said sarcastically, “Seriously, thanks for ruining it. Blood scrambles the psychic-ness of it!”

“I didn’t do that-”

“But you _did_ steal it.”

Todd would have objected but it felt pointless.

“Now, I want you to forget about me and everything I told you. Stay away and go back to your boring life.”

And he could tell by the look in his eyes, he meant it. 

The strange man known as Dirk Gently, The Detective, walked past Todd and out the door. 

And maybe, at a different point in his life, just maybe he would have taken Dirk’s advice. 

_Forget about me._

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. 

It was all he could think about as he continued on with his night. As he ate dinner. As he watched TV. As he lied in bed staring at the ceiling, contemplating his meaningless, boring, and inane life. All he could think about was the events of today and this strange man. 

Something about him felt different. Important. Too important to forget about. Too important to move past. He was done with the shallow depression, the unvarying slog of his life thus far. 

That once sentence that replayed in his mind throughout the day played once more; _This is my life._

But he realized the sentence was unfinished. 

_This is my life, and I'm going to take control of it._


	2. Excess Energy

**_Yesterday Morning, or… whatever time it is in space in the 51st century, it was about to be morning in Seattle in the 21st century:_ **

Dirk struggled to maintain his balance as he stumbled in through the blue TARDIS doors. He fumbled his way to the console and slumped forward over it, managing to steer her into the Time Vortex and away from the danger. Still, he was weak. 

“I’m sorry ‘ol girl,” he whispered. More for him than for her. “I’m going away now.”

She hummed a pitiful sound, sympathy for the changing Time Lord.

He _was_ at church, but for some reason, he offended them (he wasn’t sure how but honestly he thinks he deserves it) and was poisoned. With Staltolis’ Death Flower tea. Real nasty bugger, kills you from the inside out, melts your organs, fries your brain, destroys you on a molecular level, and, _supposedly,_ is banned by most galactic laws. Something told him that wasn’t the church he was used to. It was comical, they tried to kill him, HA! As if you could kill him? Did they not know who he was? And were he not dying, maybe he would investigate it. But he was. He was dying. 

Well… regenerating. Which in a way was like dying. He kept his memories, his basic intelligence, and things that made him _quintessentially_ him, but slight quirks, things that made him quintessentially _him,_ those would all go away with his face. 

His hands began glowing with that golden energy that meant his time was up. He had a good feeling, something was coming his way. He could _feel_ it. It felt rather tingly actually- _oh wait. Nope, wrong feeling._ That’s just the ener _GY -AAGH!_

His whole body tensed as he felt every cell in his body starting anew. Splitting and rapidly replacing the ones killed with the poison. Then they all moved around into new positions. His skin, his hair, as his bones morphed into new shapes in his face, and _oh_ \- he was going to be tall too. That’s not a pleasant experience. His DNA completely rewrote itself, all those new arrangements of proteins, like a dance on a subcellular level, a painful dance. 

And all of this made him miss what he was doing to the TARDIS, well, almost miss. All of that energy exploded around him, and one beam set her controls haywire. Everything shook and rumbled, and as quickly as it all began, it ended. 

There he was. Brand new. Like the new dawn of a day, the first light you see after you’re born. Blinding and beautiful. And his hearts pounded in his chest in anticipation of his new adventure. Two of them, that’s good. Thank goodness that’s always been the one constant. What else has he got two of? Legs, _brilliant_. Arms, _perfect._ Eyes, ears, nostrils, _hands!_ He bloody loves hands, great for doing things effectively. One head, one mouth, one... other things. Hair? Little bit of fringe and _ooh!_ He was ginger! Sort of, not really but it was close! Good, he was set, all the basic things in the proper quantities for a humanoid. 

Now, there were three pressing issues at hand. 

One, the light. That wasn't rebirth, that was re-entry. The TARDIS was crashing. He was hurtling towards Earth’s surface at alarming speeds. _Fuck, ok. I can do this._

He maneuvered his way around the panel, trying to gain some control before- 

The shaking settled. He was on the ground, and upright at that. Now there’s some luck. 

Issue number two. The machine sitting on the console, the one that goes ding, seemed to have picked up a signal from an alien who was not in their primary form… on Earth. Now there’s an issue he has to deal with.

Issue number three, he was just at church, he was naked. He can’t exactly run out of the TARDIS completely nude on Earth. _Unless…_ he checked the monitor. Nope. Not a year with acceptable public nudity.

He ran down the stairs from the console and into the corridor. He was a little woozy so he thanked her when she shifted the wardrobe closer to him. He was excited for this one. 

Walls and walls of clothes of all colors. He was still feeling colorful, only one life was he not colorful, he liked that life but he wished he was more colorful. He was feeling bright and cheery. He needed something bright and fun, not a suit. He was done with suits. Suits had always been the constant, and while he wanted to keep the tie- ooh this one was good. Ice cream? That’s fun. Bright, bright, bright… and a yellow leather jacket caught his eye. Now _that_ was something noteworthy, new, _him._

He got dressed and examined himself in the mirror. This was good, he liked this face. 

Now… he was ready. 

And as he stepped out of the TARDIS with the DNA Detector and onto the street he realized something, he definitely wasn’t ready. 

The world began to spin and he fell over, his world plunged into darkness. 

He was awoken by a stranger with a weird voice. 

“Are you alright, sir?” a woman asked as his eyes flickered open. 

He grunted and sat up. “I wasn’t ready!” he shouted. The machine went _ding_ and he jumped to his feet rather quickly. 

“Sir! You have to-”

“ _Oh_ um- _yes._ Just have a bit of Narcolepsy is all,” he lied. “I’m fine,” he lied. “Now, I really must be going,” not a lie.

She gave an odd squint and a tilt of her head as Dirk picked up the machine that lied next to him and began running across the street, never mind the cars, and up the stairs and into the Perriman Grand. 

* * *

**_Last Night:_ **

Dirk left the man- Todd, to his own devices. Something he regretted as he was _still_ regenerating. Luckily, throughout the day he had a few naps (more like he passed out unintentionally when it was most convenient) and adrenaline kept him fueled when running for his life. Only now, with the all-important question, “Where the bloody hell is my psychic paper?” having been answered, his new body let down its guard. His hearts skipped a few beats, few beats too many and he doubled over, narrowly catching himself with a hand on the wall. He _hated_ being alone during regeneration. And there was still the other question, probably more important than his paper- but he could only focus on one thing at a time, and at the time he remembered dropping it so when he went back up to go and get it and it wasn’t there, that seemed like a more pressing issue. Forgive him, the excess energy made his priorities a little wonky, and he never said he was _good_ at being a Time Lord… Where was he? Right- where the bloody hell was his TARDIS?

Last he remembered it was in an alley, and the alley connected to a… street, and there were… buildings, and he distinctly remembered the sidewalk being beige _. Well, that was certainly very helpful._ It didn’t help that the layout of this city was very odd. What was this city? Everyone’s accents are all wrong, they sound American. He must be in America! _Oh, this is just brilliant._

Think, think, think! _Where are you, baby?_ The man- Todd, worked very close to where he crashed, maybe… maybe ask him where that was? No, he had to leave him alone. _Think,_ he could retrace his steps to how he got here… but his mind was a bit foggy. Just a few hours ago he had hair that towered like black smoke from a chimney, what was he thinking with that hair?!

Never mind the hair, he liked his new hair. 

The TARDIS. He _needed_ to get back to the TARDIS. Wait! _The key!_ Of course the key! Was he dumb? He didn’t think he was dumb, was he dumb now? Is that who he was? He didn’t want to be dumb!

He stumbled out of The Ridgely and reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. 

He smiled as the TARDIS materialized in front of him, and her blue exterior was slightly different. He walked up to her and leaned his head on her door, petting the new blue wood that refused to change forms and blend in like she was supposed to. 

“There you are,” he said softly. “Did you redecorate?”

With a creak the door opened. And indeed-

“You redecorated,” he gasped in awe. “I like it. I’m going to go to bed now, energy is still bubbling.”

She gave an insistent thrum. 

“What do you mean, ‘Todd?’ _Pft,_ ” he asked, offended. “I’m not taking him with me.”

The lights faded in and out with another sound. 

“What does he need my help with?”

She hummed frantically. 

“I went through all that trouble to save his life and he’s going to get killed anyway?!” he groaned in frustration. “Look, his landlord is human, humans kill humans, nothing Alien about it. Not really my place to stop it from happening.”

The TARDIS made an angry whirring noise.

“I don’t care if it’s not a fixed point! What would I even do?”

She was silent, but he knew what she meant. 

“Fine. I’ll save him. But that’s it!” he pointed an accusing finger at the pillar in the center of the console. “I get people killed, I-” he leaned over the control panel and dropped his head, sighing. “I would just get attached. It’s better to be alone.”

She was once again silent. 

“No. That’s final. Lots of lovely people, very dead. All because of me. I’m not taking him.”

She hummed once more.

“I’m going to rest,” he turned around and began walking away to his room.

She buzzed. 

He turned on his heels very quickly, “ah-ah-ah,” he waved a finger, showing off his golden glow. “Can’t help him if I’m still regenerating, now can I? I’ve been thinking too much, brain’s going fuzzy, I’ve been running too much, hearts are going too fast. Too much energy. Lots of things are ‘too much’, things are very ‘much’ at the moment and I would like them to be less much-ly.”

She gave that familiar thrumming noise before that lovely whooshing sound started up. 

Dirk ran to the console, “Stop it!”

She whizzed and whirred.

The controls didn’t move, they were stuck in place. 

“No, I said no!”

He shuffled to the monitor and grunted. She was taking him to the next morning when Todd was to be killed. He had no choice but to go out and help him now. 

He began for the doors when she re-materialized outside the Ridgley and walked out. And he almost started walking back into the building before he frowned to himself, turned back around, peeked his head in through the TARDIS door, and said, 

“You. Don’t think I’m done with you, this isn’t over,” and he turned back out the door, but he felt he needed to be more clear so he turned back around and once more stuck his head through the door. “I am very cross with you.” There we go, that should do it. 

* * *

**_The Present, This Morning… sort of? The past, as it was 2016, but also the present of this story... Wibbly Wobbly:_ **

The internet seemed like a good place to start in his search for the illusive Dirk Gently. 

“Dirk Gently” _Zero results._

Todd grumbled in frustration as he typed in, “The Detective, Dirk Gently” and hit the enter button just a little too forcefully. 

Nothing. Again. 

“Dirk Gently aliens”

_0 results found._

“Detective Dirk Gently aliens”

_0 results found._

“British Dirk Gently Detective”

_0 results found._

His fingers clacked away at the keys furiously, and he was almost sure it could be heard through the walls if one listened too closely. 

“Dirk Gently silver stick sonic”

_0 results found._

“Dirk Gently psychic paper”

He remembered something Dirk had said. 

“Mad man, blue box”

Now there’s something interesting… _NOTHING._

The computer just doesn’t understand that Todd _needs_ to find him. He’ll just have to do some fieldwork.

It was early in the morning, much earlier than Todd would have normally preferred, but he promised himself last night that he would start his search first thing in the morning. 

And as he took a large gulp of black coffee, his phone rang. _Amanda._

And he picked up. 

“You off your trip yet?” she asked. 

Last night he told her about The Detective and the hotel and the monster thing. She was convinced he was high or something. But she knew how depressed he was so she was just going to let him do his thing. 

“I told you! I wasn’t high!” he insisted. 

“Whatever, dude,” she jeered. “Are you at least thinking a bit more logically?”

“What’s logical about anything I told you last night?” he laughed.

“That’s my point!” she insisted. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m trying to find him.”

“Who?”

“The man, The Detective, Dirk Gently,” he explained. “I’m trying to find him.”

And Todd could almost hear her roll her eyes with her tone of voice.

“Have you ever heard of Grindr?”

“Shut up! Not like that!”

“Sure… Whatever you say, bro.”

“I’m serious! He was like… there was something about him-”

“He was hot?” 

“I swear to God, Amanda, I _will_ drive the hour to kick your ass if you don’t shut up.”

“I surrender!” she said over-dramatically.

“I mean like… he’s different. I don’t know how to describe it. My life sucks. Maybe he’ll make it not… suck…?” he heard Amanda snickering. “Don’t say it.”

“Just making sure you don’t lie to yourself.”

“I’m going to find him,” he insisted.

“Well then, how’s that working out for you?”

“Terribly,” he admitted after a moment.

“Take a break, don’t think about it. Go and… do something. I don’t know!”

“Yeah, that’s great,” he rolled his eyes. “Just get hammered by my landlord if I leave the house.”

“Even more reason to leave! He knows you live here, duh, so go somewhere else. Library? Might have something there.”

“Ooh, good thinking with the library.”

“I have good ideas.”

“Never said you didn’t.”

“Shut up!” she laughed. 

“Alright, I’m going to go now. Call me if-”

“I know, I know- I’m fine, Todd. Quit babying me. But I will call if I need anything.”

“Ok. Good. Bye, Amanda.”

“Bye, asshole.”

He didn’t know how, but he knew Dirk would help him with something. Help him with everything. Help him get his life back on track. He _would_ find Dirk Gently. 

* * *

For once, Dirk’s TARDIS was wrong. Either that or she didn’t mention something, lied, strategically-non-truthed, whatever it was, Dirk was cross with her for it. 

This was, in fact, an alien matter. The machine went _ding._

But it wasn’t going in the direction of Todd’s apartment, no. It was somewhere else. Just a little off to the side of his apartment building, a house. Dirk began approaching the house across the street cautiously, all the while the machine whirred and dinged. And when he got to the door, it _stopped_ dinging. Dirk shook the machine and slapped it lightly. It didn’t ding again. He shrugged it off and began back to the Ridgely. 

Dirk still didn’t know _what_ these aliens were yet. As he said, couldn’t get a proper scan, and he didn't get a good look at what their true form looked like. All he knew was, these buggers could shape-shift. 

And then the DNA detector dinged once more, this time in an opposite direction from the Ridgley.

He followed the machine’s dings as he walked down the street, thinking over the species he had encountered. For starters, it wasn’t an alien that uses a perception filter, one like Prisoner Zero’s race, that was his first guess with the teeth, but a perception filter wouldn’t alert the DNA Detector. The same goes for a schimmer using one. Or Raxacoricofallapatorians and their skin suits. And the alien didn’t seem suction cup-y, wasn’t a Zygon. His next thought was a plasmavore, taking in human DNA could alert the detector, but why would it leave all that blood behind, same goes for an Abzorbaloff. _What was this thing?_

* * *

Before Todd left his apartment he wanted to try one more thing. The news.

He grabbed the remote from the side table and turned on his TV, and was greeted on the local news channel with news of the investigation of what happened at The Perriman Grand.

"Yesterday morning, the mutilated bodies of several leading scientists were discovered in the penthouse of luxury hotel, The Parriman Grand," explained the woman on the screen. "Officials say that while the rest of the bodies were torn to shreds, the heads were left virtually untouched, leaving identification easy. There were four victims in total, although the meeting had six members. The most damaged body was that of inventor Patrick Spring, other victims were local scientists working on a top-secret project. The only survivors of what police have deemed an 'animal attack of unusual nature', were Dr. William James and Intern Nathan Smith, who refuses to give an alibi."

A picture was flashed on the screen of the man Todd saw coming out of room 745.

"Although a woman named Sammy Fletcher claimed to be his ex-mistress claims she was with him in the time of the attack. Although this would help him, he denies any relation to the woman."

"Idiot," Todd laughed under his breath.

The other man's picture flashed on the screen, Todd also recognized this man. This was the man, _thing,_ that was chasing him and Dirk in the basement.

"Dr. James is unwilling to give commentary at this time."

Todd turned off the TV and returned to his computer. Maybe if he found "Dr. James" he would find Dirk.

* * *

It was a bit of a long walk, and the dings got more intense, finally, he reached a scientific building. He walked around back, took out his sonic, and entered through the backdoor, following the dings.

* * *

Todd wasn't proud of what he was about to do next, but he was desperate, and it wasn't like he had never committed a B&E before. Although it was never on this scale. He found the building where Dr. James worked and broke in through a door in the alleyway. It was time to do a little detective work of his own.

He kept to the shadows, wandering through halls and corridors. He had learned that often things worth hiding were in basements and back rooms. The number of times he ran down to the basement to grab more towels or hand soaps only to find one of his co-workers with their various stashes of drugs, or secret money, or lewd magazines, something or other, was ridiculous. The basement was his best bet, and he wasn't exactly sure _what_ he was looking for. He just knew he would know it when he found it.

* * *

Dirk followed the dings, anxiously hoping no one would catch him without his psychic paper. 

Only… the dinging stopped once more. He slapped it with the heel of his palm and shook it next to his ear, it was whirring, it was working. The alien wasn’t hiding anymore.

_Ahg!_ Damn his stupidity, he left the pathogenesis detector in the TARDIS. He would just continue on his way, sonic at the ready. 

_At the ready…_ as if _it does anything threatening._

He continued down the dark halls and twisting corridors to find nothing. Not a single alien. Other than himself. But he wasn’t looking for himself, he knew where he was. Or _was_ he looking for himself? He doesn’t know what type of man he is! 

_Focus!_

* * *

Todd continued through the basement halls when he heard footsteps approaching. He decided his best course of action would be to hide behind a set of metal barrels. Quickly he hurried and hid away. Knowing that if he could see this person, this person could see him, he didn’t dare look around the barrels as he crouched and the footsteps passed. He did hear an odd buzzing, however. 

The buzzing passed and it hit Todd, what was in these barrels? He looked at the sides of the barrel, and the labels were nothing like Todd had ever seen. Strange symbols on stickers were on the side, they didn’t even look too cautionary. He stood up slowly, hoping whoever had passed had well… passed. And they had. Todd stood and examined the barrel. Dripping down the side was a thick yellow grease, and considering that it looked to have no warnings he was aware of, he reached out, and he touched it. And nothing happened. He sniffed it, it smelled nice, very delicious, but as stupid as he was, he wasn’t going to eat it.

He wiped the grease off his hands onto his jeans and looked around. Suddenly he realized the number of barrels down here, this was definitely something odd. 

This was stupid, absolutely batshit. That was far too close. What was he going to do? Get himself arrested? No thank you. He could figure out something. Fake the press? For now, he would return home. Amanda would have good ideas.

* * *

Dirk ventured further down the halls, losing hope of finding anything here, besides the barrels, never mind the barrels, it was a scientific building. He needed more tech. More tech, back in the TARDIS, she was back near the Ridgley, Todd. Todd was going to die. TODD. What was he thinking?! He got distracted! 

He took off running out of the building, running down the streets, and the dings picked up once more.


	3. Bigger On The Inside

Todd got back to his apartment and slumped on his couch. What was he doing? He needed a job. He needed a life. Why was he trying to find this guy? This was dumb. He was dumb. He was a dumbass, he was an asshole, he was a- 

_Knock, knock, knock_.

The door. 

Todd stood up and slowly walked to the door. 

_Pound, pound, pound._

He had a bad feeling.

_Bang, bang, bang!_

He leaned in to look through the spy hole. _Dorian._ He yelped and jumped back. This was it, he was dead. But he knew refusing to let him in was worse, and so his shaking hand moved for the chain, with a jingle and a click it fell. He unlocked the door, and slowly, it creaked open. 

“Hey… Dorian…” he stretched the words out with a tremble to his voice. “I know, I know, it’s just that I got fired yesterday and-"

“Cut the bullshit, Todd,” Dorian hissed. He approached Todd slowly, pushing him back with small footsteps. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” his heart pounded in his chest and reverberated through his head. He reached his arms out behind him, whipping his head around every once and a while, attempting to find an escape from Dorian’s growing scowl.

“What do you know about The Detective?” He pushed Todd against the wall. 

“T-the Detective?” Todd stuttered. 

“The Detective, Dirk Gently,” he spat in his face. Todd winced.

“I- I met him once! Ok, twice. But I don’t… I don’t know anything about him!”

“LIAR!” He grabbed Todd by the shoulders, and in a feat of inhuman strength, threw him into the coffee table in the center of the room, breaking it with his body. Todd’s body erupted into pain, despite this he threw his arms up and shouted.

“I don’t know anything! What do you want?! Money? I’ll get it, I will, I’ll get it eventually! I just need-“

Dorian stomped over, his jaw opened wide as he looked down at Todd, showing the giant set of teeth he didn’t have before. His arms hung at his sides and his hands morphed, grew, and elongated into large claws. 

“Not Dorian!” he yelped. 

“Not Dorian indeed!” a voice came from the door, Todd whipped his head back around, and saw it was certainly who he hoped it was. 

“Dirk!” Todd yelled and smiled. 

“Hello, sweetie.” 

“What?!” his face threw into confusion. 

“Sorry, still fuzzy, no filter.”

“What?”

“Detective,” the thing that was definitely not Dorian said, he had morphed back into Dorian’s human form. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Gathered that much,” Dirk shrugged as he walked over to Todd and helped him up, offering a hand that Todd took. “Who are you?” He used his free hand to grab his sonic and scan the Not-Dorian.

“Leave us alone. I have it handled, let me do what has to be done. If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you won’t let me do it.”

“Damn right. Todd?” he asked the obviously thoroughly frightened man beside him, still gripping his hand. “Are you scared?” 

“What?”

The Not-Dorian morphed once more. His clothes ripped open to reveal leathery skin, and his hands and feet grew. His eyes flashed red and widened, enlarged. His mouth stretched out like a horse’s, but not at all. And that’s when the demon-like wings opened. 

“Because I’m beginning to think we should run again.”

“You think?!” Todd yelled, the creature screeched and lunged towards them. So what did they do? _They ran._

They ran down the hall as the alien followed on all fours, crashing into the walls, nails, and claws scraping the hardwood floors. 

“I’m so thick!” Dirk yelled. 

“Thick?!” Todd responded. 

“Of course that’s what it was!” 

“What?!”

They ran down the stairs as the alien followed their tail, flying behind them.

“Of course it was a Krillitane!”

“What?!” 

“But that doesn’t explain…”

“Explain what?”

“Shut it, Todd!”

“I forgot how rude you were.”

They ran out of the door. Dirk turned around and slammed it behind him, sonicing it locked. 

“See that?!” Dirk pointed at his TARDIS that sat on the grass across the street from the Ridgley. Todd nodded. “Get inside,” he commanded.

“That tiny thing?!”

Dirk grabbed Todd’s hand once more and pulled him down the stairs of the building, pulling him across the street, ignoring the screeching and banging of the Krillitane. The TARDIS door opened and Dirk pulled Todd inside, slamming the door behind him. 

“What?!” Todd shouted in disbelief at the scene before him. 

It was _massive._ The ceiling seemed to extend onwards into infinity, and projected a void of blackness and swirling electric blue nebulas and stars, connected with white lines forever shifting and changing. And in the center, swirling blue lines of energy were connected in a glass funnel that fed into a golden hexagonal panel with various buttons and levers that seemed to be like a control panel. And around this was a grated gunmetal platform broken into various triangular sections, that extended from the door into the center, under which Todd could see wires, tubes, pipes, and lights. It was split into various levels leading into probably a series of maze-like halls and rooms. One gunmetal stairwell descended under the deck and to the base of the thing in the center. The entire space sent out a golden glow of peace and vastness. The walls were an old orange, every so often a ribbed box that glowed orange and moved down in waves periodically. And in between these were white glowing circular panels, and in between those were gunmetal pipes weaving around. 

“You sure seem to like that word,” Dirk said as he let go of Todd’s hand and walked to the control panel of the TARDIS. 

“It’s… it’s…”

Dirk waved his hand in a circle, nodding impatiently to hear those five words. 

“No,” Todd shook his head in disbelief, turned around, and opened the door, running out. Ignoring the Krillitane as he got closer to escaping. 

He ran circles around the tiny blue box, looking it up and down, running his fingers along the blue wood, and finally, the Krillitane burst through the door. Todd yelped and ran back in, slamming his back against the door. 

“But- but that’s impossible!” he said to Dirk.

“Not impossible, just relatively unheard of.”

“What?!” he defaulted to this once more.

“Do you have any questions?”

“It’s…”

“Just say it,” Dirk rolled his eyes.

He dropped his voice to a whisper of disbelief, “It’s bigger on the inside.”

“There it is! Welcome to the TARDIS, that’s T-A-R-D-I-S, Time And Relative Dimension In Space, it’s my spaceship.”

“But it’s going to get in!” Todd remained glued to the doors. 

“Believe me, it can’t.”

“Ok,” Todd shrugged. “I believe you.”

“That’s quick,” he furrowed his brows. 

“Are… were you joking? That _thing_ was an alien, right?” 

“Nope. That’s an alien.”

“Is, is this… are you… are you an alien?”

“ _Ding, ding, ding!_ We have a winner! Took you long enough.”

“Oh my god,” Todd shook his head. “Oh my god, man! When I woke up yesterday morning I didn’t select yes on the 'crazy, acid-trip, Star Wars, comic-con nightmare' box!”

“Yet here you are.” 

“Yet here I am. How is it… bigger on the inside?”

“First,” Dirk approached Todd, “You have to imagine a very small box,” Todd nodded. “Then, you have to put a bigger box on the inside,” he raised his brows up and down cheekily. 

“That’s crazy, dude. You’re insane. You’re an insane person who’s insinuated himself into my life.”

“Mad man, blue box,” he shrugged. “And I have a feeling _you_ were looking for _me._ ” 

Todd’s face smoothed out in shock, “How did you know that?” 

“That’s what happens, people run into me, I save their lives, they go looking for me, sometimes they find me. They die.”

“Ok… so, that was an alien, you’re an alien, what was that? Why is it here?”

“That, Todd, is the right question!” he smiled. “What is it doing here? Well, I know one thing.” 

Todd finally let up the door and walked across the railed bridge to the center and leaned against the control panel. “And that would be?”

“Well, two things, well, three things, well really only one definitively. But I know through context the questions we should be obviously asking.”

Todd blinked at him.

“One, that thing was a Krillitane. Two, it said ‘us’ which means one of two things. More Krillitanes, or more of something else and I’m leaning towards the ladder because three, the murder scene was far too bloody to be from a Krillitane. They don’t waste their prey.”

“Ok, so you _are_ good at this detective thing.”

Dirk paced around and circled the control panel, “Yes, I am. But that’s not the point. Todd, you worked there, at the hotel. Do you know anything about the victims?”

“Yeah, they were scientists, one was an inventor. They were on some ‘top-secret’ project.”

“Of course!” he smiled, and then it hit him. “Oh fuck.”

“What?” Todd asked.

“Todd, did you see anything strange at the hotel? Other than the murder scene of course.”

“Well, there was one survivor, Dr. William James," he dropped his voice to a mumble. "I snuck into where he worked.”

Dirk’s face lit up with excitement and pride as he gave a small jump before placing his hands firmly on Todd’s shoulders with a wide grin.

“Todd, you are bloody brilliant you are!”

He raised a nervous hand to scratch at the back of his neck, “Uh, thanks?”

Dirk circled the control panel, biting his lip and concentrating, messing with bits and bobs that all looked excruciatingly 80s.

“Well, now that I know what they are, I know what to look out for. By any chance did you see barrels filled with oil?”

“How did you know?”

He stopped moving controls, “I wasn’t looking for Krillitanes back then, didn't consider it an option so I ignored them. I thought they were all extinct at this point in the timeline. If they had Krillitane oil, they’re up to something. And if the inventors are dead, then that something is finished.”

Todd followed him in bewilderment as he pushed buttons and pulled levers, spinning… things? 

“What are you doing?”

He typed away on a bulky keyboard, and then moved across to the other side, playing a tune on an electric keyboard that made no sounds other than a light beeping. 

“Did I mention this thing is also a time machine?”

“You’re joking,” his eyes blew wide. 

He placed his hand on a large lever and smirked. “Wanna bet?”

He pulled the lever with his entire body as the room around them began to shake. Everything glowed and pulsed with a gorgeous sound, Todd held on to the panel tight and looked up at the swirling bits of energy that increased speed in awe. 

The TARDIS thrummed and Dirk smiled at Todd as he continued fiddling with controls.

"Ready?"


	4. Time and Tea

“Is it supposed to shake this much?” Todd shouted before his feet were swept from under him and he crashed to the ground. 

“Normally she’s like this, so I guess.”

“Do you even know how to operate it?” he crawled to the panel and pulled himself up again as the quaking calmed slowly. 

“Yes! I’m perfectly capable of flying her,” he seemed offended. “I learned from the best, well, the only, I stole her sometime around the middle of the war, did _not_ want to be around for that,” he laughed. “She acts a lot like my friend’s so he taught me after seeing how, quote, ‘horrible’ I was at handling her. He thought I was dead for a while, you know. One day I needed his help and I was like, ‘hello!’ You should have seen the look on his face.”

Todd stared at him. 

“I _remember_ being dead, and then… not dead? Actually- I think I was frozen,” Dirk began to speed up impossibly so, managing to sound perfectly clear while still pouring out words from his mouth like a waterfall. 

“Honestly nothing makes sense after the war. I have him to thank for that. But I know he’s still out there. You think I’m the one saving the world from aliens all the time? Definitely not. That’s all him, I’m sort of… second best. I take on the smaller threats. Ok, 4th- no _5th_ best. Doctor, Torchwood, UNIT, Sarah, _me_. Wait! 6th best, Clara has her own TARDIS now.”

“Do you always talk this much? And this fast?”

The lights of the TARDIS dimmed as she stopped shaking. 

“Oh- no nO NO!” Dirk kicked the base of the panel and immediately apologized. 

“What happened?” 

“I don’t know, she just stopped, she spat us out of the time vortex and into space.”

“What?!” Todd gasped. Dirk walked over to the doors and opened them, “NO!” 

“Relax! I’ve extended the air shell, you can breathe,” he said to the vacuum of space before slamming the doors shut once more. 

“Wait, I wanted to see-” 

“We don’t have time.”

“I thought you had a time machine,” he crossed his arms. 

“I do, but it’s better to be punctual in a crisis.” It was clear Todd didn’t understand. Dirk rolled his eyes and began to explain. “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.”

“What?”

“That’s how he describes it, he’s much better at it than me,” he choked like something was in the back of his throat.

“Dirk?”

“He-” he fell to the ground and screamed. Todd ran to his side and dropped next to him. 

“Dirk, what’s happening to you?!”

“Not ready, oh why did this have to happen right after I regenerat-ED!” he screamed.

“How can I help?”

“Not much you can do,” he gasped. “Oh I told her this would happen, wait- this is why she stopped, knew I would be vulnerable,” his words were fast and between gritted breaths. “ My hearts-”

“Your heart _S_?!”

“Yes, I’ve got two of them. They’re overworked. And I’ve been thinking too much. Too much brain power, brain collapsing, neural implosion.”

“That’s a thing?”

“Yes! Now I need you to listen carefully-”

Todd nodded. Dirk stuck a finger up his nose and removed it. 

“The TARDIS can take you home if you want-“

Todd shook his head ‘no’ violently. “No, I won’t ever see you again and clearly you can’t be left alone now.”

Dirk still managed to smile. “Ok, then here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to pass out, ok? I’m going to be very ill, I know you don’t know me but keep an eye on me, if all else fails call The Doctor. The situation with the Krillitanes is far worse than I imagined, but I have to prove myself, don’t call him unless absolutely necessary, I don’t like this one as much as the other’s, he’s cranky. That’s besides the point, I just need time,” his breathing increased. Words became hard to form. “Time… and… and te-” he lost consciousness. 

“Dirk?!”

Right. Of course this sort of thing would happen. 

But then it was like a bubbling glow inside him, starting at the top of his head, making its way down his spinal cord, and pulsing outwards. Waves of warmth and light. It was a feeling of security, and it didn’t say anything. He felt things that meant things, vague things but still able to decipher them. It was her, it was the TARDIS.

She had taken a liking to him. She trusted him. Well, he wasn’t sure that he deserved that but still, he would do his best to help Dirk.

It was instinctual, the way he knew what to do next. Well, of course, there was the fact that he had dealt with similar situations with Amanda, but also she told him what to do. She told him to carry Dirk down the hall and to the first room he saw. Despite him having to carry Amanda multiple times throughout the years it was still a struggle getting Dirk up the stairs and into his room. _His room? He had a room on this thing? Well, he had to have one, he seemed to live here._

He plopped Dirk on his rather comfortable-looking bed and helped him out of his shoes and jacket. He was already shaking and sweating, and it occurred to him, he really didn’t know what he was doing. He was never the one helping Amanda when it got this bad. And on top of it, this wasn’t a pararibulitis attack, and this wasn’t a human. This was an alien man with apparently two hearts lying in front of him, having a neural implosion, and they were stuck in space. 

God, he never thought he would ever experience anything remotely close to this.

“What do I do?” he said to no one in particular, except for maybe the bubbling inside him.

But it didn’t answer. 

The leather jacket fell off of the side of the bed and out fell a stethoscope. _Why did he have a stethoscope in his jacket?_ Seeing nothing else to do he put it on and listened.

_Two hearts my ass._ There was only one beat, but it was weak. He didn’t know what to do. 

Would he be stuck here? Stuck in space for the rest of his life if this man-alien, alien-man died? He did say the TARDIS could take him back if he wanted, and he didn’t know what he wanted at this point actually. 

Because here he was, in a scenario beyond his wildest dreams. He wasn’t going to just let go, was he? 

He was scared. Scared of what would happen, scared of what to do. He couldn't- he shouldn’t leave Dirk alone, get up and wander the impossible box. 

But he needed to think. 

So he got up and exited the room, plunging deeper into the Labyrinth that was the TARDIS. There were so many rooms. A library, a pool, a kitchen? _Well, there had to be a kitchen._ He entered and splashed his face with cold water in the sink. He wondered how there even was water on the ship but never mind that. Then he thought, if there was water he could make coffee. Coffee to wake up from this nightmare. That’s what it was, wasn’t it? A nightmare. 

He scavenged the endless cabinets filled to the brim with all sorts of foods. Human junk foods, presumably alien delicacies. But for the life of him, he couldn’t find coffee. But there was tea, lots of tea actually. He chuckled, _British._

And then he remembered.

_“I just need time. Time... and… and te-”_

The end of that sentence sounded an awful lot like ‘tea’. He did have a British accent, after all, maybe where he was from was the planet of British things. Where it rained all the time and people ate an absurd amount of fish and chips and say “Pip pip cheerio” and all that. 

A cup of tea couldn’t hurt. Or could it? Regardless, he heated up some water and took a teabag out of a box, not caring what type, there were too many to choose from so he picked at random. He brought the mug back to the room with Dirk and put it on his nightstand. Hoping that it would do _something._

In the five minutes he had been gone, Dirk somehow looked worse. His face lost all its color, replaced with a sickly green undertone, his hair drenched in sweat. Todd frowned and stood beside him, placing a hand on his cheek and feeling the burning flesh under his fingertips.

“Just, please, tell me what to do,” he said to the trembling alien, and also partly to the TARDIS. “I can’t help if I don’t know what to do, let me help. Please wake up.”

And by some miracle, he stirred awake.

“You made tea,” he mumbled with a smile.

“Yeah,” Todd responded softly. “Yeah, I did.”

“Nothing like a nice cuppa for regeneration sickness.”

Todd laughed. “Now that you’re awake, how can I help?”

He pondered the question, wondering if he should say what he really wanted. He hated being alone during regeneration. “Sorry if it’s too much to ask-“

“Go for it.”

“Stay? I don’t want to be alone. I’m always alone.”

Todd smiled, he knew how hard it was for people to be alone when they were like this. “Of course.”

Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, maybe it was a bad idea, but he sat down beside him. Maybe it was a worse idea, every alarm in his brain told him ‘No!’, but he lied down next to him. 

“This ok?”

“Yeah,” Dirk nodded and turned his gaze to the ceiling. “That’s the thing about being like me. I’m alone. Always alone, and when I’m not, people get hurt. But still, whenever this happens, whenever I regenerate, I’m alone,” he looked back at Todd. “It’s terrifying Todd. You relive your worst experiences, your entire body screams in pain as you remember. Remember all you lost and all you did and you can’t avoid it, you can’t do anything to fix it. And then, it's like being reborn and I don’t know who I am. Who am I, Todd? I don't know.”

“Well,” Todd honestly didn’t know how to respond to that, that was a lot. “I’m here, you’re not alone, and you’re safe in whatever crazy thing this is,” he chuckled. 

“Thanks for staying, Todd.”

“Of course.”

They heard a chime from the console room just outside the door.

“Hold that thought,” Todd said. “I’ll be right back. You drink your tea and rest.”

He went to investigate and his eyes widened and were drawn to the spinning energy that meant they were flying once again. 

“What are you doing?!” he ran down to the room and looked at the glowing screen at the panel. They were back on Earth, and more importantly, it was yesterday morning right in front of The Perriman Grand.

It was a possibly bad idea, no, an absolutely horrible one, but maybe, maybe he could keep himself from getting fired. He could just pop in, make a distraction, and he’d never see the scene. He wasn’t _leaving_ Dirk. He was just… setting things right. Dirk would be fine for a few minutes. Just long enough to steal his own keycard and stop him from going to the penthouse. 

But he didn't remember the card was already stolen. He was the one who stole the card in the first place. There was nothing he could do.

The moment was fixed. 


End file.
